Should we get married?

The age of the partners has a legal significance. If one or both partners are too young, the state will not permit a marriage or recognize a common-law marriage.

If having a child is a goal, then the age of the partners is an important consideration. Generally, the best time for women to conceive and give birth to a child is during the third decade of life. For many women, however, reproduction occurs outside of this range. For a particular woman, the minimum age for natural childbirth is puberty, and the maximum age is menopause. Near the lower limit, the woman's body, while capable of producing a fetus, may not be able to carry a pregnancy to term and may not be best suited for delivering a child. Near the upper limit, the woman risks giving birth to an infant with severe physical defects and mental deficiencies.

But the legal right to marry and the capability to reproduce are not the only reasons for considering the age of a partner with whom a child might be conceived. How old the partner will be as the child develops is an important point.

An elderly parent with a young child may lack the stamina for or interest in the vigorous physical activities that youngsters often want and that they need to strengthen their bodies. An older than average parent may be reluctant or unable to initiate or maintain social relationships with younger parents who have children of the same age. An older than average parent may lack the patience or psychological stamina for answering the questions of and engaging in debates with youngsters. And such a parent may be less aware or less concerned about current fashions and trends that often matter a great deal to young people. The parent may be uninformed or unwilling to learn about important developments in the world that children should be aware of and prepared for.

Nevertheless, old parents can share their considerable knowledge and experience. They can offer their insights and share their perspectives on a variety of important issues. Best of all, they can teach sound values and encourage the development of good habits and healthy attitudes.

A couple may get married at very little cost; the expense of filing the necessary legal documents and having the marriage solemnized by an authority are almost trivial. But having a large celebration can be very costly. A person may even choose not to marry anyone with vastly different expectations for the size and kind of wedding. And yet marriage produces financial effects for as long as it lasts and, most often, beyond. Those effects are not always mutually beneficial. Resentments brew when one spouse sees the other as a drain on the limited available resources or when one takes what is seen as unfair advantages of the other. Agreement on the distribution of labor and the relative production of income to the household are thus vital to the success of life together.

The responsibilities of marriage and especially those of raising children demand that married people and parents, whether married or not, have adequate financial resources. Children require food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education, and recreation. All of these cost substantial amounts of money. Procreation without the wherewithal to support children in a decent way, that is, to maintain them at least at the average for other children in their society, puts them at risk for underachievement and failure. Those who shop for the most affluent mates are often motivated not only by self-interest but also by the interest in giving their children the greatest opportunities.

Compatibility does not entail agreement on every issue. But without an agreement on fundamental beliefs, a marriage probably will not thrive. In any event, mutual respect is essential to a healthy marriage.

The opinions of family members, friends, and associates often have an impact on the choice of a spouse. Most often that impact is created over a long time before a particular person is even considered as a potential partner in marriage. Ideas and attitudes impressed upon us even from infancy help determine the choice of a mate. But usually that choice involves some explicit consideration or calculation of its effects on those whose opinions most matter to us. A common aspiration in the plan to get married is gaining favor from or boosting one's status among relatives and peers.

Pro: Fewer people than ever before view marriage as necessary to establish a sexual relationship. While many still regard premarital sex as immoral, only a small, uninformed minority would imagine that premarital sex is unavailable. Except in the most authoritarian families, there exists no agency or institution in society that stands in the way of, or threatens to punish in any serious way, those who have sexual intercourse outside of marriage. Yet marriage is still attractive because it confers legitimacy on sexual relationships: the married couple need expect no moral disapproval from any quarter, while the unmarried couple who copulates can look for moral support mainly in the notion that their actions are commonplace.

Pregnancy may hasten marriage, where the concern for the appearance of propriety is high. And yet it may bind together two people who are ill-suited for a long life together. It is rarely the best reason for getting married. Marriage, in fact, may only compound what problems the couple has to face.