Should we get a divorce?

Pro: Divorce enables former spouses to build new relationships and, if desired, legally to marry a person for whom there is greater attraction.

Con: The loss of a relationship may result in loneliness, and life as a single person can be vexing, when a satisfying new relationship is sought but not found. Moreover, in many cases, the loss of a partner with whom expenses are shared, or by whom all expenses are paid, can so limit the availability of financial resources that much freedom to go places and buy things is lost.

Pro: Incompatibility, and the conflict often associated with it, can make life in close association with an individual unbearable. Divorce enables two people who are fundamentally and irrevocably in conflict to rid themselves of the unpleasant mental states produced in their relationship.

Con: What passes for incompatibility and conflict is often a failure to understand and appreciate the interests and values of another person. A thorough-going self-analysis and a calm, rational discussion between the spouses can resolve most difficulties. If partners in marriage were compatible at the outset, there is likelihood that they can find compatibility once again.

Pro: Often, bad treatment from a spouse is unavoidable within the marriage. When the only way to protect oneself from psychological or physical abuse is separation from the source of that abuse, divorce becomes the most favored option.

Divorce is likely to alter the relationship between the once-married individuals and the families of their spouses. Some friends might be lost, in cases where friends of the married couple choose to remain friendly with only one of the former partners in marriage.

Some people choose not to proceed with divorce, simply because that step will strain a relationship even further; the conflicts in a marriage may pale in comparison with the conflicts that surface in a legal battle.

A major factor in any divorce is determining who takes custody of the children. Shifts in responsibilities are likely to occur. The parent who retains custody of the children will have to cope with the immediate needs of the youngsters continually. The parent who loses custody may yet be required to support the children financially. Former spouses may squabble over the right of the absent parent to visit the children.

Con: An often-reported effect of divorce on children is the notion held by the children that they are somehow responsible for the breakup of the marriage.

Con: Children who live with only one parent, where there used to be two parents, may have to cope with a more hectic schedule and relate to a greater number of guardians, as the parent, pressed with a greater share of responsibilities than before, places the child with whomever is available to provide care.

The absent parent may revel in the freedom from the daily care of the offspring or may feel intensely the loss of contact. The person with custody of the children can resent the former spouse's good feelings or take a perverse delight in the other person's pain. Emotional turmoil is likely in any case.

Where one spouse provided an income, and the other spouse depended on it, the former will likely fare better, and the latter will likely suffer financially, after a divorce. Thus the dissolutions of 'traditional' marriages (where the primary role for women is household management) most often result in the improvement of financial status for men and the decline of financial status for women.