Our need to spin

Honesty is the revelation of hearts and minds: it is the expression of thoughts and feelings without reservation or distortion. In honest communication, the life within is made public, put on view for others to see. The honest person is 'transparent': the outer aspect of the person is congruent with--a true representation of--the person's mental and emotional state.

Speaking and writing the truth generally helps us all. The honest person develops a reputation for trustworthiness. Honesty helps the operations of society remain orderly and predictable. By sharing accurate information, we foster satisfying relationships in public and private life, ensure that transactions remain fair, support the achievement of our respective goals, and promote the orderly growth of civilization.

Dishonesty often entails time-consuming, energy-draining efforts to maintain several systems of lies. The dishonest person has to keep track of the stories told to various people. By contrast, honesty promotes a degree of simplicity and tranquility in mental life.

But honesty can readily create problems. Sometimes it can hurt feelings, block our advancement, disrupt or ruin relationships, and even endanger lives. The scrupulously honest can be at a disadvantage; they can be used by others. Unreflective honesty can have disastrous consequences.

If ‘telling the truth’ means revealing every passing thought--including those that are petty, mean, vicious, or subversive--then the idea of always telling the truth is one that threatens to promote discord in society.

One who reveals his or her ‘true thoughts’ or ‘real feelings’ may not be acting in the best interests of either a particular relationship or the community as a whole. A person’s innermost thoughts and emotions may be unrefined or prejudiced. Some thoughts are wrong or foolish, and some feelings are disgusting or cruel. Not every thought that occurs to us is worthy of expression. Sometimes the world is better off when we keep our stupid beliefs or poisonous inclinations confined to our psyches.

Moreover, not every thought and feeling of which we are conscious is really ‘ours’: some we consider alien to our principles and values; some we disavow. We ourselves recoil at some of our imaginings. We cannot easily identify with our nastiest or most ridiculous ideas. Revealing undesirable thoughts and emotions does not reveal our true selves. For our own good and the good of others, repression is certainly in order for abominable thoughts and feelings. But it is also appropriate for the silliest and most unreasonable notions.

We constantly manage our messages; we often withhold the whole truth. Typically we measure out only portions of the truth to serve our ends. We emphasize our positive points and downplay our weaknesses. We try to conceal our shameful moments, our sins and crimes. Our resumes feature our strengths and accomplishments, not our limitations and failures.

But we also limit our revelations to serve the interests of those for whom we care. People are often kind and loving, and they know that the truth can sometimes hurt. Certain facts are difficult to face. We tell 'white lies' to avoid causing pain for others. We praise our friends and avoid discussing their faults, when our words can protect them or help them advance.

We hold back the truth--we lie--when necessary to prevent a greater evil than dishonesty from occurring. Anyone who would take advantage of us for being honest does not deserve to be told the truth.

Emotions can be as variable as the weather. Our mental and emotional states can change from one moment to the next. The common turbulence of our psychology presents our rational faculties a challenge to determine what inner states to feature in communications with others. We can pass from congeniality to resentment to regretfulness and then compassion in a matter of minutes. Any number of emotions can be mixed, and they can replace each other with astonishing ease.

And since regret can follow the expression of nasty feelings--such an expression can produce great pain and have lasting effects--we often refrain from pouring out our thoughts when we are sick or under pressure. We are, in other words, sometimes less than perfectly honest.

Honesty is but one value in the hierarchy of values; it is not always supreme. While being brutally honest might sometimes be the kindest action a person can take, honesty is often less important than charity. There is no book of rules that tells us precisely what to feature in every communication. Some authors have claimed that we must always be honest--whatever the cost. But in many cases, that is unwise. And then we must determine to what degree some other virtue trumps honesty.

Adults can and should pass along simple instructions for youngsters to follow in making their decisions. But adults sometimes have to make up rules as they go. And most often, they have to live without the benefit of any consistent set of specific directions.

In reality, there are no simple rules to live by. Life is too complicated, too messy. We always try to proceed in the best way. But our greatest challenge is determining at the outset what that best way is, or whether, indeed, there is one.